ABC's 2012 Report Card

ABC has 9 new pilots this year!  Nine!  The network reminds me of an amateur photographer who hopes to get quality from quantity.  In other words, if you produce enough new shows you're likely to get a good one now and then.

Get ready for the C in ABC to stand for cancel because ABC's new shows will be dropping like flies.  At least they were smart enough to start with their best shows in September, but they better hope they don't need many of their mid-season losers.

With one A grade, a couple of B's, then some D and F's, ABC should be happy with their overall C+.

Last Resort - ABC

I saved ABC's best for last.  Last Resort is one of my favorite new dramas of the year and easily the best thing created by the network in quite a while.

In the middle of an equator crossing party the U.S. ballistic missile submarine Colorado receives orders to fire nukes at Pakistan.  When the boat's captain asks for confirmation he is relieved of duty and the XO is put in command. 

Before you can say 'Hunt for Red October' the Colorado is fired on and hit by another U.S. Navy craft.  The Colorado's crew high tail it to an exotic foreign island called San Moreno (although those who visit Hawaii will recognize the location as Kaneohe Bay). 

Washington has created a huge cover up and pronounced the submarine destroyed, all the while still trying to destroy it.

If episode 2 and 3 are as good as the pilot we will be watching Last Resort for many years to come and ABC will have a hit on its hands.

Red Widow - ABC

If I told you that ABC had a new adult drama written by the same person responsible for screenplays of the Twilight saga would you want to watch it?

For the three people who answered Yes, you will love Red Widow.  For the rest of us, you'll thank me for the advice to watch something else.

The premise seems cool, an all-American family with ties to the Russian mob gets sucked into a very bad situation.  Actress Radha Mitchell does a good job playing a widow who will do anything to protect her children.  Just make sure your children aren't watching as an R-rated sex scene precedes her husband being shot down in the driveway in front of their young son.

Widow is waiting to come off the bench mid-season for ABC.  Let's hope it stays there.

The Neighbors - ABC

Mork & Mindy meets the Stepford Wives.

Imagine a group of aliens moving into every house in a New Jersey development.  Ten years later one of their families decides to leave and a human family buys their house.

So what happens when the newbies discover their neighbors are really ugly green aliens disguised as perfect American suburbanites?  Hopefully something funny.

Neighbors may be the toughest pilot to predict this fall.  On the one hand the premise is so silly that it fits a comedy genre like a glove.  But successful alien shows of the past have had over-the-top actors like Robin Williams, John Lithgow and Jane Curtain.  Neighbors doesn't.

It's Wednesday night time slot delivers only mediocre competition, but with a show this stupid it's still going to be tough to hold an audience.  Let's call it a long shot to survive.

Nanu Nanu.

Zero Hour - ABC

I don't see Dan Brown's name on any of ABC's credits for Zero Hour, but viewers will see that's it's surely inspired by his books.

1938 Germany, Modern day Brooklyn, Rosicrucians, Nazis, treasure maps, genetically created babies, it's all in Zero Hour.

Anthony Edwards is back on tv playing an unassuming husband whose wife of 6 months is kidnapped from her clock shop.  In his quest to find her a major mystery unfolds.

Zero has the makings of a good series if you like mysteries, intrigue, and don't miss any episodes.  ABC has it slated for a mid-season debut, but don't be surprised to see it show up sooner as other shows get dropped. 

666 Park Avenue - ABC

When you make a deal with the devil a day of reckoning always comes - especially when the devil is Joe from Lost.

In 666 our two protagonists are a nice young couple just hired to manage the Drake Hotel on Park Ave.  What they don't know is the evil that lies therein.  It's like a giant haunted mansion with a charismatic devil running the show... John from Lost.

When watching this pilot I recommend doing it late at night, in the dark, by yourself.  It's easily the scariest thing on TV right now.  The only question is whether or not there is an audience for a scarey show.  We haven't had one in such a long time it will be fun to find out.

ABC is running 666 on Sunday nights right after Revenge.  It's a perfect lead-in, but will be up against very tough competition with Mentalist and NFL Football.  Expect 666 to hold Revenge's mediocre audience.

Family Tools - ABC

You know how it feels when you're watching a football game, the starting quarterback is stinking up the field and he's pulled out?  You have high hopes for the young backup QB, but then he fumbles on his first play and throws an interception on the second.

If you don't like that feeling, don't watch 'Family Tools.'  It's intended to be a mid-season replacement for one of ABC's earlier failures, but it's the worst of the worse.

Family is another sit-com based on a dysfunctional family.  The dad has a Mr. Jiffy Fix business, but when he has a heart problem his son (who just got kicked out of Seminary school) steps in to run the business.

Unfortunately the only funny moment in the entire half hour was when the son nails his foot to a wood deck with a nail gun.  At least the program is properly titled, the characters are all tools.

Family Tools has no chance!

Malibu Country - ABC

Reba McEntire is back... and playing nearly the same character that she did in 'Reba.'  And why not, the first Reba ran for 6 seasons and continues in syndication.

As long as Reba is back, might as well bring back a storyline where she plays a divorced woman with kids and has a dumb blond neighbor.  Usually shows rip off ideas from other shows and networks.  This time it's more like ripping off yourself... so I guess we should let her get away with it.

Lily Tomlin plays Reba's pot head mother and ads some fun to the otherwise trying-too-hard-for-a-laugh comedy.  Even the canned laughter feels uncomfortable.

Reba - er, Malibu is slated to kick off in November. 

Hey ABC, it's 2012, can't we come up with better comedy than this?

How to Live With Your Parents For the Rest of Your Life - ABC

OK, 'How to Live, etc. etc.' already wins the award for the longest title in TV history.

Its the story of a grown woman (and her daughter) moving back in with her eccentric hyper sexual parents.

Quirky characters and lots of sex talk are the order of the day in How.  It's mildly entertaining and is good for a few laughs, but even ABC knows it's not strong enough to start off the season as it is currently scheduled for 2013.  With enough other weak ABC comedies maybe we will see it sooner.

Fall 2012 TV Grid